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Let's Be Honest: Do You Even Know What You're Asking For? #communication

Hey Honeybuns,


I need to talk about something that's been bothering me for a minute.


We throw around words and phrases in relationships like we know what they mean. Like we've actually thought about what we're asking for.


But have we?


Because the more I pay attention—to my clients, to conversations I hear, to the things people post online, to my OWN mouth—the more I realize we're out here using language that doesn't even make sense.


We're asking for things we haven't defined. We're demanding things we don't actually want. We're using phrases that sound good but mean absolutely nothing when you break them down.


And then we wonder why our relationships are a mess.


So let's get honest. Let's get REAL honest.


Let's talk about what we SAY we want versus what we're ACTUALLY asking for.


Let's Start With the One That Makes Me Want to Flip a Table


"I want a ride or die chick."


Or the flip side:


"I'm going to ride with you til the wheels fall off."


Can we PLEASE stop romanticizing death and destruction in our relationships?


Ride or die? That means somebody's DYING. And I don't know about you, but I didn't sign up to die for anyone if I don't absolutely have to.


Ride til the wheels fall off? That means you KNOW it's going to crash. You KNOW it's going to end badly. You're just committed to staying until the inevitable disaster happens.


What kind of relationship goals are THOSE?


Here's what people are REALLY saying when they use these phrases:


"I want someone who will tolerate my mess without holding me accountable."


"I want someone who will sacrifice their peace, their boundaries, and their self-respect to prove they're loyal to me."


"I want someone who will stay even when I'm not showing up, not growing, not changing, not doing the work."


That's not love, Honeybuns.


That's codependency wrapped in a catchy phrase.**


If you want a PARTNER—a real one—say THAT.


Say: "I want someone who will grow WITH me, challenge me when I'm wrong, support me when I'm right, and build something sustainable that doesn't require either of us to die or crash to prove our loyalty."


See how different that sounds?


That's because when you actually think about what you're asking for, you realize the words we've been using don't match what we really want.

What Women Say vs. What We're Actually Asking For

Let me call myself out first. Because I'm not exempt from this.


"I need consistency."


We talked about this one before, but let's be clear about what we're REALLY saying:


What we think we mean: "I need reliability. I need to know you're here."


What we're often ACTUALLY asking for: "I need you to be predictable so I feel safe. I need you to show up exactly the same way every day so I don't have to deal with uncertainty. And if you're off your norm even ONCE, I'm going to assume the worst and start building a case against you."


That's not consistency. That's control!!!!


And if we're being honest, we wouldn't accept that standard for ourselves. We have off days. We have moments where we're not operating at 100%. We have seasons where we need space or time to process or just BE.


So why can't we extend that same grace to the people we love?


What we SHOULD say: "I need reassurance when things feel uncertain. I need you to communicate with me when you're going through something so I don't fill in the blanks with my fears."


See? THAT'S clear. THAT'S honest. THAT'S something a person can actually DO.


"I want a man who has his life together."


Sounds reasonable, right?


But what does "together" even MEAN?


Here's what we often REALLY mean:


"I want a man who's financially stable (ideally making more than me), emotionally healed (but not too vulnerable because that makes me uncomfortable), career-focused (but not so much that he doesn't have time for me), mentally strong (which means he doesn't burden me with his problems), and ready for commitment (on MY timeline, not his)."


Honeybuns, that's not a man. That's a robot.


We're asking for someone who's PERFECT while we're still a work in progress.


And let's be even MORE honest: Sometimes when we say we want a man who "has his life together," what we're really saying is "I want someone who can take care of me so I don't have to take care of myself."


That's not partnership. That's a rescue mission.


What we SHOULD say: "I want a man who's actively working on himself, who's clear about his goals, who communicates openly, and who's emotionally available to build something WITH me—not for me."


That's fair. That's mutual. That's REAL.


"I don't need a man. I WANT a man."


Okay, I hear you. And I respect the energy.


But let's dig deeper.


What we think we're saying: "I'm whole on my own. A relationship is a bonus, not a necessity."


What we sometimes ACTUALLY mean: "I'm so afraid of being seen as desperate or needy that I'm going to overcorrect and act like I don't care at all. I'll keep my guard up. I'll keep my walls high. I'll prove I don't need anyone so I never have to risk being vulnerable."


And then we wonder why we attract emotionally unavailable men.


Because we're SHOWING them we're emotionally unavailable too.


Listen, there's nothing wrong with being independent. There's nothing wrong with having your own life, your own money, your own goals.


But if you're using independence as a SHIELD—if you're so busy proving you don't need anyone that you won't let anyone IN—that's a problem.


What we SHOULD say: "I'm open to building with someone who adds to my life. I don't NEED someone to complete me, but I WANT someone to share life with. And I'm willing to be vulnerable enough to let that happen."


That's the difference between independence and isolation.



What Men Say vs. What They're Actually Asking For


Alright, fellas. Y'all aren't off the hook either.


"I want a low-maintenance woman."


Let's translate this one.


What you think you mean: "I want a woman who's easygoing and doesn't stress me out."


What you're ACTUALLY saying: "I want a woman who looks like she spent three hours getting ready but never mentions the time, money, or effort it takes. I want her hair done, nails done, skin glowing, body right, outfits on point—but I don't want to hear about the salon appointments, the gym sessions, the skincare routine, or the cost of any of it. I want high-maintenance RESULTS with zero maintenance effort from ME."


Gentlemen, that's not low maintenance. That's invisible maintenance.


Do you know how much work it takes for a woman to look "effortlessly beautiful"?


Hair: $100-$300+ every few weeks

Nails: $40-$80+ every 2-3 weeks

Lashes: $60-$150+ if she's doing extensions

Skincare: $50-$200+ a month

Gym: $30-$100+ a month

Wardrobe: Let's not even start


That's not low maintenance. That's HIGH maintenance that you don't have to think about


What you SHOULD say: "I want a woman who takes care of herself and doesn't create unnecessary drama. AND I'm willing to appreciate and support the effort she puts into showing up as her best self."


That's honest. That's fair. That's partnership.


"I want a woman who understands me without me having to explain myself."


Oh, this one.


What you think you mean: "I want someone who gets me."


What you're ACTUALLY saying: "I want you to read my mind. I want you to know when I'm upset, what I need, how to fix it, and when to leave me alone—all without me saying a single word. And if you guess wrong? That's on you."


Sir, we are not psychic


Expecting a woman to "just know" what you need without you communicating it is asking her to carry the emotional weight of the ENTIRE relationship.


You're asking her to:

- Monitor your moods

- Decode your silence

- Anticipate your needs

- Manage your emotions

- AND manage her own


All while you get to just... exist.


That's exhausting.


And it's the SAME energy as when women expect men to be consistent without defining what that means.


What you SHOULD say: "I want a woman who's emotionally intelligent and pays attention. AND I'm willing to communicate clearly about what I need instead of expecting her to figure it out."


Use. Your. Words.


"I want a woman who's not dramatic."


Let me translate:


What you think you mean: "I want a woman who's chill and easygoing."


What you're ACTUALLY saying: "I want a woman who doesn't have feelings that inconvenience me. I want her to be okay with whatever I do. I don't want to be held accountable. I don't want hard conversations. I don't want her to get upset when I do something hurtful. I just want her to be cool with everything. No emotions. No standards. No problems. Just vibes."


Here's the reality:


Having emotions is not drama.

Having standards is not drama.

Communicating when you're hurt is not drama.

Holding someone accountable is not drama.


You know what IS drama?


- Ignoring problems until they explode

- Refusing to communicate and then getting mad when she can't read your mind

- Doing things you KNOW will hurt her and then calling her dramatic when she reacts

- Expecting her to suppress her feelings so YOU can be comfortable


What you SHOULD say: "I want a woman who communicates directly without unnecessary chaos. AND I'm willing to not DO dramatic things and then act surprised when she has a reaction."


Fair is fair.


"I want a successful woman... but not more successful than me."


Let's just call this what it is.


What you SAY: "I want an ambitious, successful, financially independent woman."


What you ACTUALLY mean: "I want a woman who's doing well—just not better than me. Because if she out-earns me, gets promoted above me, or her business takes off while mine is still building, I'm going to feel emasculated. And then I'm going to make that HER problem."


Suddenly:

- She's "too focused on work"

- She's "not making you a priority"

- She's "too independent"

- She "doesn't need you"


Gentlemen, make it make sense.


You can't say you want a queen and then try to dim her light when it shines brighter than yours.


A secure man celebrates his woman's success. An insecure man competes with it.


What you SHOULD say: "I want a successful woman, AND I'm secure enough to celebrate her wins without feeling threatened. I want us to build TOGETHER, not in competition."


That's king energy right there.

The Real Issue

Here's what I need everyone to understand:


This isn't about men versus women.


This is about ALL OF US using words we haven't actually thought through.


We say things because they sound good. Because we heard someone else say it. Because it's what we think we're SUPPOSED to want.


But we don't stop and ask ourselves:

- What am I REALLY asking for?

- Is this realistic?

- Is this fair?

- Is this something I'm willing to GIVE in return?

- Does this language even make SENSE?


And then we get into relationships and wonder why we're frustrated. Why we're disappointed. Why nobody can meet our expectations.


It's because our expectations aren't clear. Hell, half the time they're not even REAL.

The CHOICES Lifestyle in Action

This is what the CHOICES Lifestyle is all about—Constantly Having Opportunities to Increase Change & Empower Self.


Every time you open your mouth to say what you want in a relationship, you have a CHOICE:


Will you use words that sound good, or words that are TRUE?


Will you ask for what you've always asked for because that's what everyone says, or will you get HONEST about what you actually need?


Will you repeat phrases you haven't thought through, or will you take the time to define what you mean?


Your words create your reality.


If you're using unclear, unrealistic, unexamined language, you're going to create unclear, unrealistic, unsatisfying relationships.


But if you get CLEAR—if you say what you MEAN—everything shifts.

The WOW FACTOR Mindset

The WOW FACTOR Mindset is about being brave enough to question yourself BEFORE you question someone else.


Before you say "I want consistency," ask yourself: *What does that actually mean to ME?*


Before you say "I want someone who has their life together," ask yourself: *Do I have MY life together? And what does 'together' even look like?*


Before you say "I want a low-maintenance woman" or "I want a man who understands me," ask yourself: *Am I being fair? Am I asking for something I'm willing to give? Am I using language that actually communicates what I need?*


That's the work.


And yeah, it's uncomfortable. Because it forces you to admit that maybe—just MAYBE—you've been asking for things that don't even make sense.


But discomfort is where growth happens.

My Challenge for You

Here's what I want you to do:


Think about the last thing you said you wanted in a relationship.


Now ask yourself:

1. What did I REALLY mean when I said that?

2. Is that realistic?

3. Is that fair?

4. Have I clearly communicated what I'm actually asking for?

5. Am I willing to give what I'm expecting to receive?


Because the goal isn't to be right.


The goal is to build relationships that actually WORK.


And that starts with using words that match what we're really asking for.


Let's stop using words we don't mean and start building love that makes sense.


Because you deserve clarity, Honeybuns.


And so does everyone you love.


If you're ready to get CLEAR on what you actually want—and how to communicate it in a way that builds instead of destroys—book your free 30-minute session with me to see if we can work together

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Drop a comment and let me know:  Let's have an HONEST conversation.







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