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When He Said This About CONSISTENCY, I Almost Fell Out Of My CHAIR! #communication

Hey Honeybuns,


You ever have someone say something so simple, so obvious, yet so mind-blowing that you literally have to sit down and question everything you thought you knew?


Yeah. That happened to me the other day.


And I'm still not over it.


I was having a conversation with HIM (mind your business)—and let me tell you, dating someone who's as in tune with himself as he is has been... intriguing, to say the least. He's a true definition of a life coach, deeply connected to his own spirit, and the brother is INSPIRING. Which means we have these deep, soul-stirring conversations that make me want to throw my notebook at him and kiss him at the same time.


We were talking about consistency. You know, that word women throw around like it's the Holy Grail of relationships.


"I just need him to be consistent."


"If he was consistent, we wouldn't have these problems."


"Consistency is everything."


I've said it. You've said it. Hell, I've coached clients through it. I was sitting there talking about how important consistency is to me in relationships—nodding my head, feeling all righteous about my standards.


And then he asked me one question that made me damn near fall out of my chair.

THE QUESTION THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING

"Does God always give you what you want when you want it?"


I blinked. "No."


"So how do women expect men to be consistent when God isn't consistent?"


Pause.


"If a man is off his norm one time, we start assuming things. Making up stories. But we never do that to God."


Y'all.


I sat there. Silent. Stunned. Because he was RIGHT. And I didn't want to admit it.


But my GOD, he was right.


Truth be told, I almost fell out of my chair. My mind was doing backflips trying to argue with him, but I couldn't. Because every word he said hit like a ton of bricks wrapped in truth and tied with a bow of "girl, sit your tail down and freaking listen."

THE CONSISTENCY TRAP WE'VE ALL FALLEN INTO

Here's what messed me up: I thought I knew what consistency meant. I thought I was using the word correctly. I thought I was being reasonable.


But what I was really asking for? Control disguised as a standard.


Let me explain.


When we say we want consistency, what we're often really saying is: "I want you to be predictable so I feel safe."


And listen, there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe. But let's call it what it is. Because when we use words like "consistency" when we really mean "predictability," we're not being honest—with them or with ourselves.


Think about it.


God doesn't operate on our timeline. God doesn't show up the same way every single day. Sometimes prayers get answered immediately. Sometimes you're waiting years. Sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes it's "not yet." Sometimes it's "I have something better for you, but you're not ready to receive it."


And we're okay with that.


We trust God even when we don't understand the process. We give God grace when things don't go according to OUR plan. We don't start making up stories about why God hasn't called us back or why our blessings are taking longer than we expected.


But let a man be "off" for ONE day—ONE missed text, ONE change in his routine, ONE moment where he's not operating exactly how we think he should—and suddenly we're investigators, building a case, convicting him in our minds before he even knows there's a trial.


Why do we do that?

WHAT WE'RE REALLY AFRAID OF

Here's what my man's question forced me to face: What am I actually afraid of when someone's "inconsistent"?


Am I afraid they're losing interest?


Am I afraid they're pulling away?


Am I afraid I'm not enough to keep them engaged?


Am I afraid of being abandoned again?


Because if we're being real—and we're always going to be real here—it's not about the consistency. It's about the fear.


We've been hurt before. We've been blindsided before. We've seen the signs we ignored before. So now we're hypervigilant. We're looking for patterns. We're waiting for the other shoe to drop.


And I get it. I've been there. Hell, I lived there for YEARS.


But here's the problem: when you treat every man like he's the man who hurt you before, you never give him a chance to be the man he actually is.


And that's not fair. Not to him. And definitely not to you.

THE WORDS WE USE WITHOUT THINKING

This conversation with my man didn't just make me rethink consistency. It made me rethink the language I use in general—especially in relationships and in my coaching.


We throw around words because they sound right. Because we heard them on a podcast. Because our girl said it in the group chat and it got 50 likes. Because some Instagram therapist used it in a reel.


But do we actually know what we're asking for?


  • Consistency.


  • Boundaries.


  • Accountability.


  • Space.


  • Communication.


These are all good words. Important words. But if we're not clear on what they MEAN to us—specifically, personally, honestly—then we're just parroting language without intention.


And that's dangerous.


Because when you say, "I need you to be consistent," and he hears, "I need you to show up the exact same way every single day or I'll assume you don't care," you're setting both of you up for failure.


What you might really mean is:


"I need reassurance when things feel uncertain."


"I need you to communicate when you're going through something."


"I need to feel like I matter to you even on your off days."


SAY THAT.


Use words that match what you're actually trying to say, not words you learned because that's what everyone else is saying.

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR MY CLIENTS (AND FOR YOU)

Real talk? I can't wait to throw this at my couple clients.


We actually talk about a form of this in our sessions—expectations, communication, the stories we tell ourselves—but I never looked at it the way my man broke it down. He made it plain. Simple. Undeniable.


And that's what good coaching does. It takes the complicated mess we've been living in and makes it so clear you can't unsee it.


So here's what I'm bringing into my sessions now:


  • What are you ACTUALLY asking for? Not what sounds good. Not what you think you're supposed to want. What do YOU need, specifically, in YOUR words?


  • Are you giving the people you love the same grace you give God?


  • Or are you holding them to a standard you couldn't even meet yourself?


  • Are you using words with intention or just repeating what's trendy?


Because clarity is kindness. Vagueness is chaos.


This is the CHOICES Lifestyle in action—Constantly Having Opportunities to Increase Change & Empower Self. Choosing clarity over clichés. Choosing honesty over habits. Choosing growth over being "right."


This is the WOW FACTOR Mindset—being brave enough to question what you think you know so you can live in what's actually TRUE.

THE LESSON

Let me be clear: I'm not saying lower your standards.


I'm not saying accept trash behavior.


I'm not saying let people treat you any kind of way.


What I AM saying is this:


Be honest about what you're expecting and why.


Are you asking for consistency or control?


Are you asking for communication or compliance?


Are you asking for love or proof that you won't be abandoned?


Because here's the thing most people don't want to admit: sometimes what we're asking for has nothing to do with the person in front of us and everything to do with the wounds we haven't healed.


And that's not their job to fix. That's YOURS.


When you get clear on what you're really asking for—and when you give people the space to be HUMAN, to have off days, to grow, to not be perfect—everything shifts.


You stop making assumptions.


You stop building cases.


You stop treating love like a courtroom and people like defendants.


And you start building something real. Something sustainable. Something that doesn't crumble the first time someone doesn't meet your unspoken, unclear, unrealistic expectations.

MY CHALLENGE FOR YOU

So here's what I want you to do, Honeybuns:


Sit down and ask yourself: What words am I using in my relationships that I haven't actually thought about?


  • Are you asking for consistency when you really mean predictability?


  • Are you asking for space when you really mean distance?


  • Are you asking for communication when you really mean validation?


  • Are you asking for love when you really mean proof?


Write it down. Get honest. Because the clearer you are with your words, the clearer your relationships become.


And trust me, once you start saying what you MEAN—not what sounds right, not what you think you're supposed to say—everything changes.


I'm still processing this conversation with my man. I'm still catching myself when I slip into old language patterns. I'm still learning to say what I actually mean instead of what I've always said.


But that's the beauty of this journey. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be willing to LOOK. To question. To grow.


And if you're reading this, that means you're willing. Which means you're already on your way.

LET'S TALK ABOUT IT

Drop a comment below and tell me: What's one word you use in relationships that you might need to rethink?


Or better yet: What's one expectation you've had that you're realizing might not be as fair as you thought?


Let's have this conversation. Because if his one question made ME rethink everything, imagine what it could do for you.


Let's stop using words we don't mean and start building relationships we actually want to be in.


Because you deserve clarity, Honeybuns. And so does everyone you love.


If you're ready to get CLEAR on what you actually want—and how to communicate it in a way that builds instead of destroys—book your free 30-minute session with me to see if we can work together

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Drop a comment and let me know:  Let's have an HONEST conversation.




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