Separate Bedrooms And You Still Call This A Marriage

Let me talk to the two of you who already know.

You sleep in separate bedrooms now. Maybe it started with somebody snoring, somebody's schedule, somebody needing space for a night. And then the night became a month, and the month became just how it is. Two people under one roof, two doors that close, and a silence in the hallway between you that neither one of you wants to name.

You barely talk. Not the real kind. You coordinate. You handle logistics. Who is picking up what, who paid which bill, whose turn it is with the thing that has to get done. You have become excellent roommates and total strangers at the same time. And both of you have found things to pour yourselves into outside that home. I am not talking about a part time job.

So let me ask you the thing everybody around you is too polite to ask. Who are you fooling?

You put on the face in public. You show up to the family thing and stand next to each other and let people believe. You post the picture. You say we when you mean I have not felt like part of a we in a long time. And you tell yourself you are doing it for the kids, for the house, for the appearance, for the years already spent. But underneath all of that is one quiet question you keep refusing to sit down and answer together. Why do you two stay?

Now I know what you think I am about to say. You think this is the part where I tell you to go ahead and get the divorce. It is not. Sit down. That is not where I am going.

Here is where I am going. Why in the world do you fight for everything else in your life and refuse to fight for this?

You will fight for the promotion. You will fight over the money. You will go to war for your kids, your reputation, your side goals, the smallest disrespect from a stranger. You will put in effort for people who would not put in ten minutes for you. But you will not sit down across from the one person who is supposed to be your mate and do the actual work. You have energy for everything except the thing under your own roof.

And I already hear you. You are both hurt. You have both said some messed up things you cannot take back. There is real damage there, and I am not going to pretend there is not. But most of the time, when I get underneath it, that damage is not some unfixable thing. It is a lack of communication that went unaddressed for years. It is two people who gave up way too quickly and started going with the flow of the mess instead of standing up and fighting for something better. You did not fall out of love. You fell out of effort. You stopped reaching for each other and called it peace.

This is what the CHOICES Lifestyle looks like inside a relationship. It is the daily practice of choosing this on purpose, choosing to stay in the hard conversation instead of walking to the other bedroom, choosing truth over the performance you put on for everybody else, choosing to do the work when going with the flow of the mess would be so much easier. Every day you two are presented with the same choice. Reach, or retreat. And you have been retreating for so long you forgot it was ever a choice.

And here is the WOW FACTOR Mindset piece, because this is the part that changes everything. You keep waiting for the relationship to become something better before you are willing to show up for it. But you are the ones who make it that. The magnetic thing you are both starving for is not coming from some future version of this marriage. It comes from two people finally deciding to show up as their real selves, in the same room, at the same time, telling the truth. You are the ones you have been waiting on.

Now hear me clean. Some people do need to leave, and leave quickly, and I will never tell somebody to stay somewhere that is breaking them. This is not for that. This is for the two people who are not done, who still feel something under all the tired, who just got lost and stopped trying. If that is you, then this is for you. And I am here for you.

You have not run out of love. You ran out of effort, and effort can come back the second you decide to sit down and get out of your own way.

So stop performing for everybody outside that house. Turn and look at the person you have been avoiding. And ask each other the real question instead of the polite one.

Much Love,

LaTonya MeChelle

If you are ready to stop faking the funk and actually fight for what you two still have, that is what the Couples Clarity Session is for. Two hours, both of you in the room, no performing, no pretending. And what you invest credits toward continuing the work together within seven days, because this is a door in, not a one time talk. Come as you actually are, both of you.

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